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Today is the Eighteenth Sunday after Pentecost.
And Lord have mercy — I’m triggered! That’s because the Hebrew Bible reading is Proverbs 31, one of those verses that makes me remember all the years I spent in evangelical churches. It’s a favorite text in those circles as a description of perfect evangelical motherhood — being the world’s most successful wife in both family and work, all the while submitting to one’s husband-leader.
Let’s just say that for anyone who was ever an evangelical, Proverbs 31 has a lot of baggage.
Rereading the passage reminded me of a blog I wrote in 2010 that appeared in both Beliefnet and in Sojourners in which I attempt to reclaim Proverbs 31 — which I now think is a pretty darn good feminist chapter — over and against the Real Housewives franchise.
Following the 2010 blog, I add some updated comments about what strikes me about the passage now.
I’m working as hard as I possibly can over the next six weeks in congregations, at colleges, and at events for both a renewed vision of faith and politics and a sane, moral, and just democracy — all the while keeping focused on spiritual practices and creative theological analysis.
I deeply appreciate the prayers and financial support of this community — the tangible, practical ways you stand with this work, press me toward wisdom, and strengthen my resolve in these efforts.
Honestly, I couldn’t do any of this without knowing the power of the community at The Cottage.
Proverbs 31:10-31
A capable wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
She is like the ships of the merchant,
she brings her food from far away.
She rises while it is still night
and provides food for her household
and tasks for her servant-girls.
She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
She girds herself with strength,
and makes her arms strong.
She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
She opens her hand to the poor,
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid for her household when it snows,
for all her household are clothed in crimson.
She makes herself coverings;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the city gates,
taking his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them;
she supplies the merchant with sashes.
Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household,
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her happy;
her husband too, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her a share in the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the city gates.
Rethinking “The Real Housewives of Proverbs 31”
(cross-posted on Beliefnet and Sojourners - August 10, 2010
As a working mother who lives in the Washington-metro area, I admit that I was dreading Bravo's new program The Real Housewives of D.C.
I took some comfort in The Washington Post's scathing advance review of it:
Every word of the title is wrong, except "the" and "of."
Real: What can that even mean anymore?
Housewives: Remember when that bordered on slur? The surgically taut eyes of certain Real Housewives must ache from wink-winking every time Bravo has them say the name of the show.
D.C.: Always the ultimate artificial no place ... What woman in her right mind would submit to this charade?
Bravo's botox-injected shouting match that makes women look like idiots is coming to my town. In their defense, Bravo insists that the D.C. series will have more intellectual and political content, being socially relevant. But I doubt it. Bravo, which used to toy with cultural irony regarding materialism now cloys us with "real" Lindsey Lohans (sans the talent) and slightly better-educated Snookies as a way to boost the ratings.
I'm no snob when it comes to reality TV. I love Top Chef (also Bravo) and confess to have sobbed more than a few times while watching The Biggest Loser — both of which actually have some moral content.
What is the point of the Real Housewives? Is this pure escapism? Is it an alternative reality for recession-weary women? A mirror into middle-class aspirations? What women secretly wish to be?
Whatever it is intended to be (my tween daughter says that it is only supposed to be "funny"), the main problem with the Real Housewives franchise is that it depicts women using stereotypes in a way to entertain that, if inflicted on any racial or ethnic group, would give rise to legal action, boycotts, and public outcry. It pictures women as grown-up mean girls, the sort everyone hated in high school and who have now parleyed their cruel social climbing to the bigger stages of New York, Los Angeles, Atlanta, and D.C.
The shows denigrate women by implying that they get ahead by being materialistic gossips and marrying the right men. Even the criticism lends itself to demeaning women. Example? The mostly-liberal Washington Post likens the word "housewife" to a "slur" and asks what woman would "submit" to the being on such a show.
Excuse me to both Bravo and WaPo: But "housewife" is neither glam-reality nor a slur, especially in the suburbs of Washington, D.C. And women here are not the submissive type. Washington women toil at raising their children, work at home and in offices, run businesses and the federal government, volunteer at non-profits, and serve in religious communities.
The real women of D.C. spend their time caring for others, nurturing the next generation, and trying to make the world a better place. We sit in traffic jams and on corporate boards. We are creative, energetic, busy, and often overwhelmed. And, for what it is worth, we are too invested in working hard and doing good to spend even an hour watching a show that does not come close to the reality of our lives.
When I think of my D.C. housewife/mom friends and neighbors (who are politically and theologically liberal and conservative; who are Christians, Jews, Muslims, and secularists), I do not think of some faux-Hollywood glamor. Instead, they bring to mind the description of the good wife of Proverbs 31.
Although this passage is often hijacked by conservative Christians to keep women "in their place," it is a surprisingly apt description of contemporary women -- and most especially, religious feminists. In the words of the writer of Proverbs, the "capable" wife "works with willing hands" and "rises while it is still night and provides food for her household." She is savvy, charitable, just, creative, strong, and dignified; and she "opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue." She "looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness."
The Real Housewives of Proverbs 31? It would be closer to reality than any of the Bravo celebri-wives, who make a mockery of the ancient wise words "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Could that be the actual point Bravo is trying to make? Maybe. But I suspect not.
* * * * * *
Fourteen years later, pondering 2024.
After I reread this essay, I clicked on the link to the old Washington Post review (if you do, be warned: it is very slow in pulling it up) and was struck by the reviewer’s final two paragraphs which were not included in my original blog:
I want to believe that there can be more to these women — that what we see is simply based on reality, and when there are not cameras around, their lives are not only more bland but more coherent and meaningful. It's a mush of unsatisfied emotions: feeling sorry for them and yet falling into the trap of judging them and delighting in their miseries.
But the thrill has waned. The overall effect is one of mutual contempt — the Housewives hate one another, and the women who watch decide which woman they hate the most and which woman they hate the least. Men who like to watch women fight tune in, too, and the circle is thus complete: "The Real Housewives" imparts a sinking feeling that it's made by and for people who can't stand women.
The review — and my blog — were written 14 years ago. That’s not a terribly long time in the scope of things. But it has been a really hard 14 years, especially for American women.
No one would have guessed 14 years ago that we would have had two women nominated by the Democratic Party to be their candidates for president. One endured the most viciously misogynistic campaign perhaps ever directed at any woman in American history — only to be defeated by a man who was accused of and later found guilty of sexual assault. The other, whose future is still to be decided by voters, is likewise being smeared with anti-woman slime (made uglier by racial hatred) and is running against the same woman-hating candidate!
And, of course, 14 years ago no one would have guessed that Roe v. Wade would be overturned — especially based on an argument drawn from a seventeenth century jurist who sentenced women to death as witches and formulated the idea that men could legally rape their wives. As a result, women in some states have faced living under abortion laws dating back to the early nineteenth century — and we are seeing the results in increased maternal complications and death.
No one would have guessed that a United States senator who is running for vice president could insult women without children, post-menopausal women, stepmothers, and “miserable” professional women — and stay on the ticket. Or that influential pastors would call for the repeal of women’s right to vote.
We didn’t guess a lot.
It all makes me wonder how popular culture influences politics — did shows like Real Housewives make misogyny funny or did they make misogyny glamorous?
I don’t know. I do know that film and television only occasionally portray the struggles, humanity, and dignity of real women. I like to laugh as much as the next person. But do we really want to laugh at women — and even glorify women hating women?
Sure, evangelicals might have misused Proverbs 31. They’ve certainly misunderstood the chapter. This passage is but one part of a longer presentation of Wisdom, a female personification of the Divine, that threads throughout the entire book of Proverbs.
Of course, Proverbs 31 doesn’t really draw a realistic picture of women. It does, however, provide an aspirational vision — that women, within their families and in their work, are fully human, deserving of respect, savvy, wise, and capable of excellence in everything that they do.
If Proverbs 31 reminds us that hatred of women is always wrong and the dignity of women is always to be praised, I’m grateful.
Because that story is needed. And it is particularly welcome when it comes from the Bible, a book that itself has been too often used against women.
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SOUTHERN LIGHTS IS BACK!
Join me, Brian McLaren, and our special guests Robert P. Jones, Dante Stewart, Jacqui Lewis, and Mihee Kim-Kort, on beautiful St. Simons Island, Georgia on January 17-19, 2025.
This January, we will gather to “Reimagine Faith and the Future of Democracy.”
Regardless of who wins in November, Southern Lights is going to be a three-day gathering to help us assess, get centered, and re-ground ourselves for the future. Southern Lights is for safe and inspiring conversations about things people are afraid to discuss in church.
Come to the live event or attend virtually. Information and registration HERE.
SPECIAL DISCOUNTS:
Cottage Discount: Good until September 30, 2024. Get 15% off! Use this code – Cot25Sub – when registering. (This is the same discount as the early bird rate.)
Under 40: A 15% discount. Use this code — Under4025 — when registering.
Group Discount: If you have ten or more registered from your church or organization, you can receive a 15% discount for the entire group! Email info@southernlightsconference.com for more details.
INSPIRATION
They shut me up in Prose –
As when a little Girl
They put me in the Closet –
Because they liked me “still” –
Still! Could themself have peeped –
And seen my Brain – go round –
They might as wise have lodged a Bird
For Treason – in the Pound –
Himself has but to will
And easy as a Star
Look down opon Captivity –
And laugh – No more have I –
— Emily Dickinson, “They shut me up in Prose – (445)”
I have been woman
for a long time
beware my smile
I am treacherous with old magic
and the noon's new fury
with all your wide futures
promised
I am
woman
and not white.
— Audre Lorde, from “A Woman Speaks”
On September 26, my friend and Convocation co-host, Kristin Du Mez is releasing a new film about evangelicalism, sexual abuse, and misogyny — For Our Daughters.
Please check it out HERE on the film website. In just a few days, you’ll be able to stream the entire documentary for free on either YouTube or at the website.
what’s the greatest lesson a woman should learn?
that since day one. she’s already had everything she needs within herself. it’s the world that convinced her she did not.
— Rupi Kaur
JOIN OUR PHONE-A-SWING-STATE FRIEND movement to support pastors and church leaders in particularly difficult and divided states! Let’s encourage one another to speak truth in love — and make sure we all act with courage and resolve in this election season.
I got to hang out this week in Washington, DC with my Convocation co-hosts, Jemar Tisby, Robby Jones, and Kristin Du Mez. We had a blast — and you’ll be hearing about our upcoming plans soon! We’re taking The Convocation on the road — North Carolina and Arizona we’re coming your way!
Sign up for The Convocation — it’s free!
Wisdom (she) cries aloud…
I was formed long ages ago,
at the very beginning, when the world came to be.
When there were no watery depths, I was given birth,
when there were no springs overflowing with water;
before the mountains were settled in place,
before the hills, I was given birth,
before he made the world or its fields
or any of the dust of the earth.
I was there when he set the heavens in place,
when he marked out the horizon on the face of the deep,
when he established the clouds above
and fixed securely the fountains of the deep,
when he gave the sea its boundary
so the waters would not overstep his command,
and when he marked out the foundations of the earth.
Then I was the artisan at his side.
I was filled with delight day after day,
rejoicing always in his presence,
rejoicing in his whole world
and delighting in mankind.
“Now then, my children, listen to me;
blessed are those who keep my ways.
Listen to my instruction and be wise;
do not disregard it.”
— Proverbs 8:23-33
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Part retreat, part think tank. A place for inspiration and ideas about culture, faith, and spirit.
UGH! Dearest paid subscribers, Yes, there is a typo in the FIRST LINE! That's what happens when I've had little sleep and attended a two day conference on the THREATS TO DEMOCRACY! I fixed it in the paid edition which comes out tomorrow.
Doing my best - and yeah, I make mistakes. Including stupid typos. I guess I'm not yet a Proverbs 31 woman! LOL.
I have led two memorial services this month in different parts of the state for impressive, capable women. This passage served as the basis for the service for them, with different emphasis for each of them. I think of this passage as being very affirming of feminist women, and such a contrast to the misogynistic bluster on the political front.
Somewhere I ran across a statement recently that spoke to me. It is something along the lines of this: It’s not about being antiabortion any more than it was which water fountain someone could use. It’s about who has power to tell you what to do.
It’s the same old misogynistic rhetoric and the same old racist rhetoric that supports one group having power over everyone else that is being reasserted. Proverbs, the Woman of Wisdom, does not stand for that. She stands for strength, ability, creativity, and compassion. As a man, I hope to be worthy of standing alongside her.